An Award for Danny D. in Orlando, FL: The Greatest AT&T Customer Service Rep EVER. (Alt Title: How I Became Known as "El Jefe" and May Have a New Alias With the Sheriff's Dept.)

Guys, I got a phone call today.  And if you know me, you know that I answer my phone regardless of the number.  Especially if the call WAKES ME UP.  If you know me personally, you know that you DO NOT WAKE ME UP.  I am an evil fucking bitch if I am roused from a deep sleep.  Well, the fuckers in Honduras didn't know that.  I also didn't know that they were from Honduras.  They called, and I couldn't distinguish the language (for the record, it wasn't Spanish guys.  I know Spanish when I hear it.  It wasn't Spanish.  I swear it was freakin' Hindi or whatever language it is that is spoken in India. But AT&T confirmed that the number came from Honduras AFTER I had made an ass of myself!)
So, I decided that if I was paying for the call anyways, I was going to have some damn fun with it.  So, I (in all of my infinite wisdom because I thought the call came from India) said:  "You got my shit, ese? You don't call El Jefe unless you got my shit, man!  I will fuck you up pendejo unless you callin' to say you got my shit! Don't fuck with El Jefe!  El Jefe will fuck you up, pendejo!" (All said with a horribly stereotypically racist Mexican accent.  I apologize to the Mexican people for that.  I was pissed.  And that shit was fucking funny.  I know I said I would never apologize to anyone ever in this blog, but I do feel that I should apologize for that one.  I may have already caused one international incident, I don't need to cause two of them.)
Yeah...I said that.  I'm a bad person, I know.  Well, they hung up (which made me sad, because I was really just getting started).  I assumed that was the end of it, so I roused myself out of bed (El Jefe was pissed enough to not go back to sleep), and called AT&T.  I hate calling AT&T.  I really do.  But they assured me that I WOULD NOT BE CHARGED for that call (no matter how much fun "El Jefe" had with it), because it was obviously a wrong number.  But then I started to get weird phone calls from numbers that weren't even fucking complete phone numbers.  So I called AT&T back to see if they could block them from calling.  Unfortunately, the Hondurans were using some kind of "spoofing" device and on AT&T's records, it appeared that I was calling myself so there was nothing they could do...Enter Danny D. (Last name abbreviated for privacy's sake.  But he knows who he is.  He knows he's getting a blog post.  He knows how awesome he is.)  Danny speaks Spanish.  These fuckers called 3 times while I was on the phone and I finally caught them and put them on 3-way.  So between Danny, The Honduran Douchebag, and myself (aptly calling The Honduran a pendejo the whole time...because I have no damn sense.  Danny was way more polite because he likes his job.  He's a good person.  That's why he gets an award) the 3-way call ended with The Honduran Douchebag hanging up, leaving me and Danny alone to figure out what the fuck just happened.  Danny spoke Spanish to them.  But he said that the dude was speaking 3 different languages at the same time, and switching between them.  Spanish, Hindi (still not sure of the actual name of the language), and something else.  But the calls did stop (Thank you Danny!). 
Now AT&T records all of their calls.  Plus I had a voice mail from the Honduran Douchebags.  So I go to the Sheriff's department here in town, because seriously, those calls were annoying, and I filed a report.  And I made sure to get Danny's name, and the location of his call center in case this did escalate into something major and the cops needed something that had been recorded.
Guys, I have A LOT of tattoos.  A LOT. (Please refer to this post: Uninvited Tattoo Conversations)  I look like I could belong to a street gang.  Seriously.  So walking into the Sheriff's Department was a feat in and of itself, because I got some crazy weird looks!  But I'm actually an overly privileged and wealthy mostly white girl. While I have Spanish heritage, I am most definitely NOT "El Jefe."
So, the Sheriff's Deputy takes my statement, and listens to the voice mail.  This is vital, because the Deputy is Hispanic.  I figured maybe he could figure out what the fuck was going on.  DANNY, THE THIRD LANGUAGE WAS NOT SOME CRAZY BACKWARDS JAPANESE PIG LATIN.  IT WAS A NATIVE LANGUAGE SPOKEN BY THE AZTECS AND STILL SPOKEN BY SOME PEOPLE IN HONDURAS CALLED NAHUATL. The Deputy confirmed it, though he couldn't understand it.  So, crazy third language confirmed! YAY!
However, as I told my story, with the times and the initial conversations, the Deputy giggled (Thank the gods he still laughed when I said that I decided to come to them instead of hopping a plane to Honduras and just crazy murdering people), and he wrote down that I will now have an official alias.  It's on the paperwork.  It says "El Jefe" and underneath that it says "The Boss."  I am not making this up.  I have a fucking Sheriff's Department DOCUMENTED ALIAS.  I am "El Jefe."  Fuck. Me. Running.  And for the record, I still have to go back to the Sheriff's Department on Monday to speak with the investigators.  And they will know me as "El Jefe."  Goddammit.  My life is so wrong...But as Carrie Fisher (My idol) says: "If my life weren't funny, then it would just be true."

But what is going to be REALLY FUCKING GREAT, is if it makes it in the paper tomorrow in the police reports or the "assumed names and alias'" section.  Then it will be official.  And I will scan that shit and post it right fucking here for the world to see that I am officially "El Jefe." And "El Jefe" is to be respected motherfuckers.  It also means that every time I get pulled over by the cops, "El Jefe" is going to come up as an alias when they run my driver's license for any warrants.  That is going to be fucking FUN.

But Danny D., I promised you an award for the greatest customer service phone call EVER in the history of customer service phone calls.  Because we got to do a 3-way phone call with weirdos in Honduras and YOU stopped them from calling me (at least for the rest of today) and for that you are my hero.  So here's your award.

And the Hedgehog is the official Ambassador of Good Will and Love for the blog and he approves of you.  So because you saved my sanity and kept me from crazy murdering people in Honduras (which the Deputy asked me how I would even find these people to do that, to which I replied, "Google, dude.  Google is the answer to everything.  Google is on my cell phone.  Google would help with crazy murder.") you, Danny D., of the Orlando, FL AT&T call center are officially "Hog Approved."  Enjoy. :)