I want to become internet famous bitches. Read my shit.

Ok, internetters.  I'm gonna need you all to start reading my shit.  Like, NOW.  Seriously!  Get off your asses and do it.  Actually, you don't have to get off your asses in the literal sense.  But metaphorically.
Oh, why do I want to be famous, you ask?
Well, I'm currently unemployed.  Severely.  I live with a "Yeti" that makes awesome money as an electrician, though, so I can afford to be unemployed.  But my dream is to become famous for being unemployed.  Red fucking carpet famous.  I want this to be my motherfucking job!  I always wanted to be a writer, but since I have the attention span of a ham sandwich, I figured a blog might be best.  All these blogs out there get book deals and crazy shit, so why can't I?

Here's my problem:

• I don't have kids...So, I can't be a "mommy blogger."
• My life is really pathetic, so I can't be a "humor blogger."
• I don't troll a ton of websites, so I can't be a "troll blogger." (But I can direct you to some awesome troll blogs.)

What I can do:

• I can make fun of stuff that I think is really retarded.
• I can offend a lot of people.
• I am in no way politically correct.
• I have a black friend that's severely racially challenged.  She's not very good at being black.
• I have a jewish friend.  There's actually nothing funny about that, I just want everyone to know that I have a jewish friend...who is also a badass photographer.  Really, she's awesome.  Hire her for some photos. Here's her website Jill English Photography
• I'm kind of REALLY gay.  It has it's moments of hilarity as well.
• I have a mentally challenged dog.  And I'm not exaggerating, he is 100% special needs.  There was an accident when he was a fully functioning puppy.  He doesn't function on a normal scale anymore.
• I am (Seriously.  It was diagnosed.) bipolar.  It has it's moments of hilarity.
• I am unmedicated.
• I like to drink.  But I don't do it very often anymore.

Here's what YOU can do:

• Read my blog.
• Tell your friends.
• Tell me about your horrible friends.
• Comment on my blog.
• Don't get upset about my blog.  Really, this is all just in good fun.
• If you see yourself in a post, please, don't change or get upset.  You provide me with hours of amusement.  If you change, I can't make fun of you.  If I know you personally, you totally deserve it.
• Send me hate mail.  Because then I can post it here and make fun of you!
• Get me some kind of a book deal.



Uncle Sam told you to.  So do it.  Now.  Do it for your country!